Edit Mode

November is National Novel Writing Month. I am passively annoyed by any declaration on a month to be committed to one thing. I understand the reasons behind the gesture. Not everything gets the light it deserves and declaring a month to focus on that cause creates an opportunity to shed stigmas and gain traction that would otherwise be missed. Still – I stay annoyed. Despite my annoyance, I am leaning into this Novel Writing Month thing. Writing has been on my “to do” list for many years and while I promise myself every month that I will commit to it more, I continually find reasons to not. I am pretty sure every other writer has done the same. Well, except for those pumping out novels on the months that don’t start with the letter “N.”

The objective behind National Novel Writing Month is to write 50,000 words- the typical minimum length of a novel. That boils down to 1,666 words a day. I don’t think the “666” in there is a mistake. Do you know how many words that is? Like – a lot. You have only read 180 words in this essay and while it looks like a lot – there is still 1,486 to go. That is way more than an allowed Twitter post (I know it’s “X,” but I’m old and I can call it what it is.) 

I also have another really big problem. “They” say that in order to be successful writing, you should not edit while you write. Not only do I constantly edit when I write, I edit everything in my daily life. I’m not exactly sure when this started but the earliest memory I have of actively editing things was in college. I studied editorial and commercial photography at one of the best fashion schools in the world. I had access to some amazing professionals and tools. This was the early 2000’s and photoshop was just gaining traction. It was a large part of the curriculum. So much so, that when I would meet new people, I would start using mental photoshop tools to perfect their features. I would lasso one of their eyes and shrink it to fit the size of the other. I would use the clone/stamp tool to eliminate their blemishes. I would increase or decrease the saturation of their clothes. I would aim for perfection in the moment. Currently, I’m a big audiobook consumer. I may as well list “chauffeur” on my resume based on how much I am in my car transferring my children places so I have a ton of time to listen to books. Not only do I edit how I think the narrator should have delivered a line, I also edit the author’s choices. I’m not sure I have ever gotten through an audiobook without thinking “why did their editor make that choice” at least once. 

Where is this compulsory editing coming from? If I said perfectionism wasn’t one of my issues, I would be lying. The easy answer is to say that it’s my obsession with perfection. Why am I obsessed? That’s a whole other essay but let’s just say growing up fat and mixed race doesn’t make you anyone’s favorite. (When is Fat Appreciation or Mixed Race Month?) But more than perfection, I think it may be the fear of success. I’m already anticipating it being bad so I have all those bases covered. But oh – what if it’s GOOD? I’m not sure how to handle that outcome. I have experienced success in the photography aspect of my life and have always bowed out at the peak because of reasons that wouldn’t have stopped others. As you may have guessed, I also cannot take a compliment. Please tell me I look tired and not that I look great. While it is rude and unnecessary, I know how to respond to that.

We’re at about 650 words now, not even half way to 1,666. And – this isn’t even the novel I’m supposed to be writing. With constant editing comes excused distractions like this one. I had these thoughts in my head so I HAD to write them now otherwise I would lose them. The novel will still be there tomorrow. And the next day.

Basically, I’m just a scared grown woman. When I was a child and teenager, nothing could stop me from writing. I filled notebook after notebook, wrote on the back of receipts and napkins, got up early, and stayed up late to write. I rarely went back to edit. Editing was for school. I also wrote most everything by hand which makes editing more difficult. I made tons of grammatical errors (still do) and misspelled words. Now I obsess over where the punctuation goes when I use my plentiful parentheses and thank the tech gods for spellcheck. The presence of a red squiggly line under a word or grammatical suggestion cannot go unseen. It requires immediate attention. 

So what am I going to do to stop editing my life away? I could possibly try to simply enjoy the activity without the concern of the end product. That is a novel idea. (Get it?) I could turn off spellcheck to remove the colored lines of encouraged editing. I could hand write. I could write whatever I want and if the novel gets attention that day, it’s a nice bonus. Expecting to jump into 1,666 words a day without an established writing habit is a big ask of myself. Writing makes me happy and if the 925 words you’ve just read are all that I got today, those are 925 more happy words than there were in the world before. I’ll take it.

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