Schemas develop as behaviors that were once helpful in childhood but are exaggerated in adulthood. This overview is taken from Tara Bennett-Goleman’s ‘Emotional Alchemy’. I highly recommend giving it a read. It provides a much more in depth look at schemas, how they are formed, how they become maladaptive, and how to develop healthier responses to difficult situations.
ABANDONMENT
- Stems from the loss of a caregiver in childhood or having unpredictable and unreliable caregivers
Feelings
- Quick to panic
- Feels upset if partner wants to do activities without them
Behaviors
- Can resort to violence or threats to prevent partners from leaving them
- Will constantly seek reassurance from partners and friends
- May tolerate poor treatment from others in order not to lose them
DEPRIVATION
- Stems from a lack of nurturing, warmth, affection, undivided attention, and/or empathy in childhood from caregivers
Feelings
- Feels like no one will ever understand or care about them
- Feels guilty about never being able to do enough for others
- Feels great disappointment with any sign of “neglect” from others
Behaviors
- Goes out of their way for others, doing special favors (requested and not requested)
- Does not express personal needs
- Attempts to be the caretaker they wished they had as a child
SUBJUGATION
- Stems from an authoritative household with excessive rules
Feelings
- Resentment
- Feeling angry that their needs don’t take precedence
- Powerlessness in relationships
Behaviors
- Has difficulty making decisions
- Is over eager to please
MISTRUST
- Stems from abuse or mistreatment (physical, sexual, emotional) in early life
Feelings
- Feels like people only do nice things for them because there is an ulterior motive
- Quick to anger
Behaviors
- Jumps to conclusions easily
- Expects the worst out of people and situations
UNLOVABILITY
- Stems from having hypercritical and demeaning caregivers
Feelings
- Feels that they are flawed beyond repair
- Feels like they will never be good enough to be loved by anyone if they show their true self
Behaviors
- Is embarrassed easily
- Puts on a fake personality they think others will like
- Acts distant in relationships
EXCLUSION
- Stems from being left out of social groups or gatherings at home and school in early life
Feelings
- Feels like they don’t belong anywhere
- High social anxiety
Behaviors
- May take on an “outsider” persona to avoid the rejection they fear they will ultimately receive if trying to fit with a group
- Can take on an “in your face” persona i.e. goth, to purposely avoid acceptance
VULNERABILITY
- Stems from a having a caregiver who constantly worried or growing up in an environment where constant worry was appropriate
Feelings
- Feels exaggerated fear that something bad will always happen (catastrophizing)
- Fears the loss of control
Behaviors
- Can deprive themselves of joy due to fear that something will go wrong
- Overprepares
- May create rituals to ensure safety
FAILURE
- Stems from overly critical caregivers and/or intense bullying from siblings/classmates (especially when subjected to excessive negative comparisons between them and others)
Feelings
- Feels like they are not good enough to succeed at anything
- Feel like an imposter at things they attempt and find any success in
Behaviors
- Cannot accept a compliment
- Procrastination
- Can force failure to have control over what they feel is inevitable
PERFECTIONISM
- Stems from parents with highly critical responses to grades, appearance, etc
Feelings
- Feels like no matter how good they are, they will never be good enough
- Anxiety around not having enough time to accomplish all their goals
Behaviors
- Focuses on mistakes even in situations that contain great successes
- Fantasizes about a future where they can relax and not worry about tasks and constantly finds ways to postpone it from happening
ENTITLEMENT
- Stems from being spoiled in childhood, from a family of great means with no restraints, or from a family that deprived children of joys/affection
Feelings
- Feels like rules do not apply to them
- Very prideful
Behaviors
- Exaggerates their accomplishments
- Becomes very irritable when people tell them “No”
- Lacks self discipline
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